


did it to myself, now i need your help

by AgentBuzzkill



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Can be read as shippy if you'd like but they could just be bros too, Canon Divergence, Conversations that should have happened, Episode 61 spoilers, Fjord please talk to SOMEONE talk to ANYONE I beg of you, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 16:36:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18695272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentBuzzkill/pseuds/AgentBuzzkill
Summary: Spitting up seawater is, unfortunately, not an unusual sensation for Fjord to wake up to. Unwelcome? Definitely. Unpleasant? Always. But not unusual.Everything’s fine, he assures Caleb.Go back to sleep, please. Ignore me. Ignore this. Please ask no questions, I have no answers to give.





	did it to myself, now i need your help

**Author's Note:**

> Matthew Mercer works hard but the angst goblin living in the back of my brain works harder.
> 
> Spoiler warning for Campaign 2, Episode 61.
> 
> Title from the song 'SOS (Overboard)' by Joseph because I have no self control in relation to nautical-themed songs and Fjord.
> 
> (P.S. Please talk to each other Mighty Nein)

Spitting up seawater is, unfortunately, not an unusual sensation for Fjord to wake up to. Unwelcome? Definitely. Unpleasant? Always. But not unusual.

The falchion laying out on his bed when he wakes, however, is very unusual.

Everything’s fine, he assures Caleb.

_Go back to sleep, please. Ignore me. Ignore this. Please ask no questions, I have no answers to give._

It’s only when he’s certain Caleb has fallen asleep again that he reaches out, picking up the falchion. He tries to focus, to make it go away, but it remains in his hand.

Panic threatens to swallow him as he rushes outside, as he tries to use his powers under the dark cover of an alleyway.

Nothing. He feels empty, the well of energy he’s always been able to draw on suddenly run dry.

And what is he meant to do, if he can’t be of use to his companions?

_Useless. Worthless. Hopeless._

_Stupid._

_Ugly._

_Dumb._

Too-big teeth and too-big body and too-big heart. As he grew older he shrank himself, filed himself down, made himself palatable to those who mocked him. Hardened his heart and threw himself into work and strived to make a mark on the world; to make his name one worth remembering to someone, to anyone. If one single person cared about who he was Fjord would consider it a victory.

And now he’s powerless. Seemingly abandoned by his patron. Just as everyone else left eventually, after he disappointed them.

His parents. Sabien. Vandren. Abandoned, betrayed, left to drown in an endless, dark, frozen sea. Waves churning around him, threatening to swallow him whole.

His patron, his only comfort. A terrible burden. A necessary evil. His only chance at power, at importance. Gone too, in the blink of an eye. At the first sign of disappointment he’s rendered powerless.

He can hide it all he wants, but eventually they’ll find out. They’ll leave too. He’s a drain on the group now. He can’t provide them with his meager strength, with his feeble protection. At this rate he’s more likely to get them all killed, and he knows they won’t want to help him awaken his patron. To unleash those horrors on the world. It’s something he could never ask of them anyway.

They’re going to leave him behind. It’s happened before, and it will happen again just as easily.

As he quietly returns to his bed, he wishes he was strong enough to leave on his own. To sever their bond before they cut him off themselves. But he’s never been strong enough.

So he’ll wait. He’ll enjoy their company while it lasts. When the time comes he’ll do what he can, jump in front of whoever needs protecting and let their life continue while his fades away. He will let his memory be forgotten, consumed by time and left to fade away as all worthless memories do.

Fjord will carry his friends in his heart until his dying day, and he can only hope for the same from them. Still, he wouldn’t blame them if that weren’t the case.

What will happen if his powers are gone for good? What contingency plan does he even have? Leaving them at this point may actually kill him. He’s been with them for so long, even if he’d been accustomed to loneliness before he doesn’t know how he would handle it now.

The silence. The solitude. Like choking on seawater, sharp and terrible. A burning weight in his lungs dragging him down into the dark, terrible depths of nothingness.

He would rather be dead than be alone again.

“Fjord?” he hears Caleb murmur, voice thick with sleep. “Is everything okay?”

Through the darkness he can see Caleb turning around on his side of the bed to face him, concern evident in his frown and the furrow of his brow. Fjord’s first instinct is to turn his back, to shrug off the worry and fear and force a smile. If he can make them think he’s okay, maybe he can drag this on a little longer. Maybe he can get just a bit more time with them.

But perhaps being upfront with someone would help. Could he get Caleb in his corner? If one person could vouch for him, could convince the others that he’s worth keeping around…

It was a long shot, but Caleb was probably his best chance at success. The best possible confidant.

“I can’t-” he starts, struggling to spit the words out. His accent feels heavy on his tongue and in a fit of frustration he drops it.

“My power. It’s gone.”

Caleb sits up at that, the concern in his face growing.

“What do you mean?”

“I had another dream,” Fjord explains, “and Uk’otoa…”

“You have displeased your patron,” Caleb surmises after a few moments of silence and Fjord nods, running a hand over his face. It’s only then that he realizes his hands are shaking.

“I don’t know what to do,” he admits, “but I can’t… Whatever it is, if I’m alone… I can’t do it by myself. I know I can’t.”

He feels so naked, so exposed. All of his fear stripped bare for Caleb to see, insecurities on full display, but to his credit Caleb doesn’t seem to find any fascination in his pain. Instead he reaches out, taking Fjord’s wrist in a gentle grasp and pulling it down. Fjord meets Caleb’s eyes, bright blue nearly shining in the dark.

“And you do not have to do it alone,” he says, voice cutting through the panic that Fjord seems to be steeped in. “We will be with you every step of the way, Fjord. Whatever you need to do.”

Fjord nods and Caleb takes his hand, scarred palm to scarred palm.

“Can we keep this between us?” he asks, barely above a whisper. “Just for now. I can’t...the others…”

“They will find out eventually,” Caleb says, “but if it will comfort you then _ja_ , it can remain between us. For now.” He gives a small, wry smile. “We’ll make it work, just as we always do.”

Fjord closes his eyes, the tight feeling in his chest finally beginning to loosen. Someone believes him. Someone cares about him.

He can breathe again.

“Thank you,” he says. “Really, I-I appreciate you helping me.”

“And I would expect you to do the same for me,” Caleb replies. “As I believe either of us would for the rest of our friends.”

They sit in comfortable silence, Fjord finally getting a handle on the racing pulse of his heart in his chest. As he slowly relaxes, coming down from a high of adrenaline and panic, exhaustion makes itself evident again. It really has been a long few days, they all need a good rest.

“Thank you, Caleb,” he murmurs as they both lay down, though Caleb’s breathing has already evened out into the low, steady rhythm of sleep.

Caleb is in his corner and that’s more than Fjord could have ever hoped for. He lays awake for just a little longer, staring up at the ceiling with eyes that grow heavier with every passing moment. Maybe he really doesn’t have to be alone. Not anymore. Security is an unfamiliar feeling, but it’s one that he clings to.

And despite the events of the evening, Fjord falls asleep with the smallest of smiles on his face.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Comments, criticisms, and kudos are always appreciated. <3


End file.
